B is for Boundaries
“The commitments we make to ourselves about how we want to be treated and what we find acceptable.”
Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries sounds so simple, but the fact is, asserting our needs is something many of us feel deeply uncomfortable with - especially women.
Why?
Because our ingrained ideals of what it means to be a woman do not allow for her to have needs. The perfect woman has no need for boundaries, because she gets her fulfillment from meeting the needs of others. By putting ourselves first and drawing clear lines to protect our time, energy, space, well-being etc, we are going against type.
Setting and maintaining effective boundaries therefore takes practice. Learning to sit with the discomfort, or a perceived failure to meet other people's expectations and knowing that it gets easier with time.
Why do boundaries matter?
With poor boundaries, you are vulnerable to abuse, resentment, anger and burnout. In the words of psychologist Alison Botke “having weak boundaries is like being caught outside in a hurricane.”
Being able to articulate what is important to you and protect yourself from unreasonable demands, ill treatment or a lack of respect is a vital part of taking ownership of your career and saying goodbye to overwork and overwhelm.
We fear the response of going against type - of not being seen as a 'team player', of 'lacking commitment' or being 'over sensitive' - and seeing our career or our popularity taking a nosedive as a result. But when we look around our companies, our peer groups, or at our role models - the people we hold in high regard tend to be the ones with strong boundaries. They know the value of their time and energy, they know what they need to thrive and they are not afraid to make it clear to others.
How do you assert a boundary?
Good question - and one you often know the answer to, but still some uncontrollable voice pipes up to say the opposite!
There are many ways to assert a boundary, but they all boil down to some flavour of 'politely but firmly'. We tend to lack an effective vocabulary for saying no, but once you are clear about your commitments to yourself, there are so many ways to politely and firmly put yourself and your needs first, without causing anyone else to bat an eyelid. And if they do, that says more about them than it does you….. One of the sad facts of life is that the people most likely to have a problem with you asserting your boundaries are likely to be the worst transgressors.
You have the right to be treated kindly and with respect, and bosses, colleagues or clients who behave otherwise should give you cause to pause, and think about whether you are in the right place to thrive.
About the author
Penelope Jones is the founder of My So-Called Career. She is a career coach and consultant who specialises in helping women in their 30s beat burnout and develop healthy, sustainable relationships with work.
Share this post: